Zoodles

What do to with zucchini? Zoodles! Shred your bounty of zucchini into little noodles using a julienne peeler.

Transfer to a skillet and stirfry with a little olive or coconut oil.

Transfer once more to a strainer and squeeze out any excessive moisture.

Voila.

Chocolate "Trust Me" Black Bean Fudge

This is a recipe that requires a special title. Tell someone you made black bean fudge and they're probably going to go Mr. Yuck on you and totally shoot it down. So, you know, trust me. It's fucking awesome.

This fudge contains no dairy. It contains two cans of black beans. It's high-fiber, high-protein, dairy-free and a great, nay, excellent source of coconut oil fats.

Chocolate "Trust Me" Black Bean Fudge
(adapted from Whole New Mom)

• 2 cans of black beans (rinsed), or 3.5 cups of cooked black beans
• 3/4 cup of coconut oil
• 1 cup of cocoa powder
• 1 cup of sugar (can be reduced to your preferences)
• 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract
• Pinch of salt (to taste)

Blend all the ingredients in your blender, Nutribullet or Vitamix.

Pour into a bowl and chill for at least two hours (longer if your coconut oil is liquid when you started).

 The mixture will be pretty hard (think soft fudge or chocolate icing). 

Whole Flax Crackers

Flax seed is weird. Not as weird as chia, but it's up there. When you soak flax in water, it gets gooey and sticky and spongy. You should try it some time.

So capitalizing on this weird flax phenomenon, let's soak it in water and make a fucking cracker out of it. Again, sorry, this is a dehydrator recipe. If you don't have a dehydrator, you can try sticking these in your oven at its lowest setting for 10-12 hours. Generally, that mimics the idea.

Raw Flax Seed Crackers

• 2 cups whole flax seeds (I got mine from Trader Joes)
• 2 cups of water
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1 tablespoon of sea salt 
• 2 tablespoons of Sriracha (optional)
• 1 tablespoon of lime juice (optional)

First things first, you need to soak these seeds for about two hours. That's what's going to allow them to reveal their secrets to you.

Then, you mix in the other crap. Mixy mixy.

Spread out thin on a silicon mat. Don't have a silicon mat? You should get one. They are cheap and awesome. The thickness should be about 2 seeds thick.

Then, pop into your dehydrator. After 4 hours flip them over, like so. Continue dehydrating for another 2-3 hours.

When they are done, you can rip the sheets apart to make crackers. Or you can leave them intact to make GIANT CRACKERS OF LITTLE UTILITY.

Crockpot Quinoa Porridge

Here is an easy, peasy way to eat quinoa for breakfast. This is a convenient recipe to have, because you can swap in virtually any milk you have (especially non-dairy pantry milks such as coconut milk, almond milk and soy milk).

The recipe I'm using here contains no sweetener, with the expectation that you might want to customize it later to your own tastes and preferences (butter, brown sugar, honey, agave, maple syrup stevia, splenda, etc.).

Crockpot Quinoa Porridge

2 cups rinsed (important!!), uncooked quinoa
4 cups unsweetened almond milk (one of those pantry boxes of milk is 4 cups)
1-2 tablespoons of cinnamon

Stir all ingredients into crockpot on high for approximately two hours, stirring about halfway in. Around hour 2, the liquid will all be absorbed and the quinoa will fluff up.

Serve immediately or store in the fridge. It'll keep for about 3 days. You can serve it reheated or cold. I like it better warm.

Two-Ingredient White Chocolate Tofu Pudding

Two ingredients. It's not really clean eating, per se, because come on. White chocolate isn't exactly good for you. Even if it is from Whole Foods. But it makes tofu kid-friendly, so why not?

Ingredients:

1 12 oz bag of white chocolate
2 12 oz boxes of silken tofu (silken, not firm), drained

In a double boiler (fancy-pants way of saying any pan within a pan), melt the chocolate over an inch of water. Ok, what does that mean? Pour an inch of water into a pan. Boil it. Place another pan with the chocolate literally into that pan with the water. Melt the chocolate. I know, it's confusing.

Scrape the molten chocolate into a blender along with the drained tofu. Blend.

Voila. High-protein white chocolate tofu pudding.

Sriracha Kale Chips

After I popped a batch of these into the dehydrator, I climbed onto the roof to watch the meteor shower. I came down about two hours later to find they had been scavenged from the racks.

Sriracha is magic.

Ok, we generously received the bounty of a neighbor's kale harvest. And nature is beautiful and photosynthesis is great and yadada, I smothered the leaves in sriracha and dehydrated it. Yeah, that's it. Rip the stems off, smother in sriracha, and place on the racks.

Desiccate for two hours. Done.

Watermelon Chips

For this recipe, you need a food dehydrator and possibly some silpats. You can dry fruit in the oven (your lowest setting, so usually 180 to 200 degrees) but it's less energy efficient.

Basically, all you do is slice the watermelon into slices only a hair thicker than 1/4". Any thicker and you'll get chewy watermelon taffy that looks like this:

 Not a bad thing, just different.

These need to dehydrate for about 8 to 10 hours.

They are delicious.